Face the Facts – How to stop Manipulation:

Manipulation defined: “Influencing/ attempting to influence the behavior / action of other for one’s own purposes.”

Some of us are naturally easy targets for manipulators because we value loyalty or generosity. In psychology they say it takes you at least 3 to 6 months to get to know what someone’s intent of a relationship is. I had a few relationships in the past where I was manipulated and even used. In some of these relationships I even started to show manipulative behavior myself. Sometimes the victim (student) becomes the bully (master). And I even realized and know that I am prone to attract manipulators because I struggle to remain consistent in how I set boundaries and I ignore boundaries sometimes due to my love for adventure, fun and excitement.

I have a friend who cares about people and are generally a very nice person with good intentions, but this person is unaware that they are sometimes being manipulative even when their intentions may be good. I share almost everything with this friend (lack of some boundaries on my part). Recently I started to pay attention to the small mistakes my friend would make. My friend would become upset if I shared some things publicly (can lead to cutting ties with other friends/ seclusion), would not include me in their plans or other friendships and blow me off from time to time (could be creating fear of rejection/ loss) but still ask that I be there for them (causing a dis-balance in giving). My friend turns the tables on me when I confront them about things and sometimes makes me question myself, my motives and even my sanity. This friend did a lot for me in the past, so that way I justify when I over extend myself for my friend. So, to me maybe I value this friend more than this friend values me. And although this is not clear manipulation, it could be leading into it. So here is a list of some ways to stop someone from manipulating us. (I applied these and set up some healthy boundaries and soon after the relationship did recover, and I no longer see signs of manipulation)

How do we stop someone from manipulating us?

1. Look at the reasons why you are allowing them to manipulate you? (are you afraid of losing them- why, did they imply that you may? are they not committed to you? or are they ashamed of being seen with you? are you giving them enough space to have a life outside of you etc)

2. If you say no when they ask you a favor and they attempt to reject or turn the tables on you, don’t explain yourself as to the reason you are saying no, just say, because I don’t want to.

3. Recognise when someone flatters you too much. Or loves you too quickly and then tell them that you don’t feel you have earned this yet. (I am very guilty of giving affection to others before they feel that it’s appropriate)

4. There must be a fair exchange in giving, you must ask yourself what you want and communicate it clearly, if it is too high a trade for them walk away from the trade. This counts for both parties.

5. Decide what is fair things to require of you before hand, if you struggle to decide, ask a third party you trust’s opinion on what is fair.

6. Set clear boundaries and communicate what you value, recognize what they value.

I believe sometimes when we lose or are afraid to lose someone it is not really a loss. Once the relationship is balanced and fair it can continue and if not then you must learn to accept that this is okay to walk away from the relationship. Remember you will make friends again and you are also your own friend.

Keep Improving

The Ameliorate Team

#manipulation; #boundaries; #communication; #SelfEsteem; #SelfDevelopment