Let’s Talk about Talking & Hear about Listening:

As many of my friends and family will tell you, I am extremely talkative. People really don’t like that (especially introverts and thinkers). I decided it’s a big enough topic to go onto my blog. For me the whole point of visiting someone or them me is to talk our hearts out and reach deep meaningful conversation with mini revelations. (yup, I “Dr. Phil” my friends). But I tend to over do this a bit.

I talk before I think, and it’s considered a bad thing. I talk to think, it is how I process feelings and information. Talking my heart out leads me to better processing than over thinking ever did. The downside is that people gets turned off by this and because I love people more than talking I want to now get into the why, the how to and the step by step stuff.

Here are a few reasons I talk too much:

1. Processing (can’t really change this one, but can fine tune to whom I process)

2. Visiting (in my normal comfort space, I am quite quiet and reserved)

3. Trying to determine someone’s feelings (playing feelings detective)- especially if I feel like they are distant or stressed or unhappy.

4. Trying to sooth someone with conversational distraction.

5. Needing attention (or the underlying cause of this need is to feel heard and cared for)

Now I want to focus on the last reason. Feeling unheard. Dr. Gordon has developed a communication tool for parents and leaders which include a way to help someone else feel heard. – he calls the step in his program “active listening”. When people don’t feel heard they will overcompensate by either shutting down or talking even more and louder. (guess which category I fall into).

Active Listening: helps you to reflect what the other person has said to you to let them know you are hearing them and this helps in the sense that there are fewer misunderstandings and deeper levels of communication are achieved. My advice in this regard is to set a side about 30min a day for the people who share life with you (especially if you see each other every day), to specifically talk and catch up, use this time to really listen and hear how the other person are doing.

Here are some more ways I “self-actualise” my need for talking:

1. I write... a single parent got to cope somehow... so keep a thought journal.

2. Pray, or as I call it, talk to God.

3. Exercise and deep breathing also gets rid of side-effects of having to process thoughts without the consequence of over analysing.

4. Empathise with others, but realise they are their own responsibility and should keep themselves happy. Happiness comes from within, you can’t fix it for them.

5. Don’t beat around the bush, if you are worried about someone. - ask them directly. Ask them what they want. Empathise and get out of the way so they can solve their own problems.

6. Take Authority over your emotions by living in the present. This helps stop you over analysing and should help with over-talking as well.

7. People hear people who listen to them. So, make sure you are paying full attention to them. If you want them to return that somewhat difficult favour.

8. Give those close to you, that you respect a special “Pause” button, if they promise to un-pause your conversation as well.

In conclusion, if I make or made your ears burn, thank you for tolerating it. If you are like me, love people from your new found peaceful place. Striving to become a great, balanced conversationalist.

As Always, Keep Improving

The Ameliorate Team

#talking; #Listening; #hearing; #Communication; #SelfDevelopment; #SelfActualisation