Weekend Blue’s- Divorced Parents Survival Tips:
- Annetha Kruger
- Jul 21, 2018
- 3 min read
The first few weekends without my child was torture. I took my time off to sleep, sleep and sleep some more. For my ex it was also a bad experience having to adapt, for my child it seemed like a breeze on the surface, but after a few months of separation, there was clear behavioral differences. This article is my layman story on how to survive the separation phase and give hope to others going through a divorce.
From the beginning both my ex and I decided not to use our child as a weapon in our fight. This made a huge difference. My baby was less than 2 years old at the time, but I decided I am not going to impose on his time with his father, no matter how hard it may be for me to let my baby go. I respected and chose to build value in their time together just as much as my time with my son. After a few months (3 if you want to be precise), I started to allow myself to re-build a form of social life by accepting weekend shopping trip invites from friends, by going to 'braai' events of my family and just going out- sometimes alone. During these events the divorce was made a clear taboo topic. The idea is for me to rebuild a life outside my child. If the topic was forced on me, I stuck to an Andy Stanley recommended approach, where I only named my own mistakes and not dwell on my ex’s faults. The no blame game is to help you take responsibility of your own actions or part. This helps you take off the “divorce jacket” easier and prevents you from making the same mistakes, even if you feel you where completely innocent. Blaming your ex won’t improve your life or your choices- remember your ex was also one of your choices at some point.
As for my son, he seemed to develop two sets of personae’s. I want to ease your mind this is because the children of divorce have two different houses and value sets. People say this is unhealthy. I believe the contrary. I am not 100% the same everywhere I go, so why must my child be? Now 4 years later I prefer the boy he is when he is with me, but I love and accept his “fathers son”, he also is.
What time away from my child gave me:
1. Adaptability and flexibility for both me and my child.
2. Opportunity’s to start fresh – a weekend is long for a child, so they don’t remember last week’s drama.
3. I practice dealing with the “empty nest syndrome” now.
4. I appreciate the time we have more- so I make the most of it.
5. Special dates and occasions can be celebrated on any other day or any other unique way. -This creates a unique and authentic family culture and makes you less prone to peer pressure.
6. I learned to love myself and to enjoy alone adventures.
7. I learned how to be happy and not to let my happiness depend on other people.
8. I learned that just because you can have more frequent special moments, due to all this making up for lost time. It is not good to spoil a child, they still need discipline and in my house the rules we made together are not negotiable.
9. My work and friends are all “mine”- I get to choose two types of friends. People I love because I have an instant connection with them and friends who fits into the parenting style I use.
10. I learned to take on more than just the traditional “mom” roles, I must be Mom-handyman etc. from time to time as well.
11. I learned to let things that seem embarrassing or even chaos go.
I am very sure that my ex had the opportunity to experience the above in the same kind of way, because of our mutual decision to act in our child’s best interest. My last thoughts on this topic is, hang in there. I know it is tough but as with everything worthwhile, given time and deciding to do what is right, deciding to be happy, whether you think you can or you can’t you are right... so, believe with all your might that good things are on its way, that you will be happy again and soon it will be so.
Keep Improving
The Ameliorate Team
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